Many people are able to get into relationships. And
many are able to attract partners who are suitable for them, physically and
mentally. But for many people, their relationships do not last much more than 3
months! This is a shocking truth of the dating world. Why does this happen? Why
can’t we make it last? I’ll give you three reasons:
1. Treating a Relationship as a Transaction
You cannot be calculative when it comes to love.
Counting who did what for whom leads to the death of generosity. Theoretically
speaking, there’s a hidden universal law guiding human relations, which is, “If
you stop giving, you stop getting.” And if that’s the way the law is, them we
must not stop giving or else the relationship will die. So if you are
calculative, you will count to a point where you will say, “Yep, that’s enough.
I’ve given my fair share. Now it’s your turn.” But your partner may not feel
it’s their turn yet. So don’t calculate. Keep giving generously and you partner
will return your love when the time is right.
2. Not Being Patient or Sensitive Enough
Relationships are delicate because human emotions
are delicate. You can bring the strongest relationship to its knees with a
single quarrel. You don’t even need to do it in person; over the telephone will
do. You can end a good relationship with words that hurt, no meeting needed. So
if you treasure your relationship, never blow your top. Your partner deserves
your best behaviour. And the more love you invest in them, the more they will
love you for it.
3. Idealistic Demands
Some people are more idealistic than others. They
have a vision in their minds of how they want their ideal partner to be – and
they will not compromise. Usually in life, the partners we end up with do not
meet our original criteria. Maybe she doesn’t have the perfect figure or maybe
he’s not exactly Prince Charming. But in the end we still choose this person.
Why so? It’s because our criteria have changed. By living long enough, you see
different kinds of people. And you will start editing your criteria of what you
want in a partner, circling those qualities which are important, and mentally
scratching out those which are not. So if a person has a list of rigid,
uncompromising qualities that they follow to the dot, they might just kick out
the partner that was right for them.
If it were so easy to make a relationship last, our
divorce rates would be lower. Even if people do not fall into the three traps
listed above, there are other problems such as the possibility of meeting
someone more attractive (high chance). What should you do in such a case?
Here’s a principle to guide you:
“A great love relationship is not something you
find, but something you build and commit yourself to.”
There are tons of beautiful people in the world and
many who are physically more attractive than your partner. To some people, the
grass is always greener on the other side. So what do they do? They hop over to
the neighbour’s lawn! But then the lawn doesn’t seem so green anymore because
they see the weeds of the person’s personality. But it looks like there’s a
greener lawn next door, so they hop again! They do their partner hopping, dating
and exchanging in search of the greenest lawn, but they’ll never find it
because a beautiful relationship, like a beautiful garden, must be tended to
and cared for. You can have ‘happily forever after’ with the partner you
choose, but you must commit yourself to it. Without commitment, nothing lasts.
To sustain love, two people have to choose each
other. If either partner defaults or is unsure, the whole relationship falls
apart. It doesn’t matter how much you love the other person, if they do not
return your love. This reminds me of those Chinese drama serials where they are
fond of saying, “Ai Qing Shi Bu Neng Mian Qiang De” – translated it means ‘you
can’t force love’. And this will be the time when the male suitor will grip his
head and cry, “Why! Why?!!” Then he has no alternative, but to drown his
sorrows in drink, and maybe get knocked down by a truck. Then the girl will
visit him in hospital, where with his dying breath he whispers his last words
of undying love… then he dies.
An Uncommitted Partner
Sometimes you might find that although you are ready
to commit, your partner doesn’t want to settle. They may be on the lookout for
the ideal person who can fulfill their whims and fantasies… some idealistic
vision of what a lover should be. Many people believe that they can hold on to
their partner and make them stay. But this isn’t true. If your partner wants to
go, they will. A lover is not an inanimate object – you can’t ‘hold on’ to them
– they are human beings with free will and dreams and ideals of their own. What
you can do is realize that each person seeks their own happiness. Sometimes it
may be with you, at other times it may not. And if you still care for this
person, the best you can do is allow them to follow their dreams. Gracefully step
aside and wish them well. The right partner will come along for you one day.
The more you love a person; the more you care about
him or her, the greater the feeling of being stabbed in the heart when they
betray or cheat your love. Although the normal reaction to being dumped is to
go ballistic and tell your lover what a piece of trash they are, your heart
feels like a knife has sliced through it. This heart-pain is there because
buried under your anger, there is love.
When our partner betrays our love, there are two
immediate feelings – the part that feels cheated, and the part that still
cares. On one hand we hate them for hurting us, and we want to hurt them back.
On the other hand, we still have feelings for them, so just the thought of
breaking up is hurting our soul. So what you need to realize is the deep
stabbing pain you feel in your heart is not the pain of rejection, but the pain
of trying to hate someone you love. Only when you can admit that you still
care, and stop trying to hate them, the two parts dissolve and become one
whole. The pain disappears.
If you want to find an ideal partner, you first have
to BE an ideal partner. Give your partner first-class treatment – be infinitely
patient, loving, and giving. This doesn’t mean you do not settle differences,
but that you do it in a calm and gentle manner. Don’t be calculative about
giving. Give with all your heart and trust that your partner appreciates the
love you give. They will return it to you when you least expect it. Realize
that some of your demands are idealistic and unnecessary, drop them or change
them. And finally, strive to become the best you can be in mind, body, and
spirit; socially, financially, and emotionally because the better you become as
a person, the better a partner you will attract.
Good luck and may you build the love life of your
dreams.
